Tag Archives: life

Didn’t

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Didn’t wake up early, kept pressing snooze
can’t find nothin’ to wear, didn’t have the right shoes
didn’t remember to defrost dinner for tonight
didn’t remember to turn off
the back porch light.

 

Didn’t eat a good breakfast, pack a bagel for the drive,
didn’t brew my coffee, stop at Starbucks–it’s no lie.
Pass a slowpoke on the freeway, but get stuck behind a truck
gonna be late for work,
of all the dumb luck.

 

Swerve into the parking space, check the rearview mirror to be sure
Notice I forgot my earrings, before running out the door.
Flop down on the anti-ergonomic chair, watch the inbox explode
With questions, demands, and concerns.
One is written in code.

 

Didn’t tackle the pile of work that’s 3-days late
Sip on my latte, while my mind endures a psychological debate.
Dribble coffee on my blouse, while with technology I fight
Didn’t find the problem,
Cuz the computer’s always right.

 

Inhale  my sandwich, didn’t taste it at all
while workin’ through lunch and didn’t return a call.
I need..I want…I forgot…Do you have?
Are frequent  questions
That aren’t all that bad.

 

Didn’t finish all the work I thought should get done
Didn’t make any plans tonight to have a little fun.
Didn’t have time to find a wee slice of  Zen
Didn’t have time to clean, cook, sew, or mend.

 

Didn’t do this.
Didn’t do that.
Too much to do,
Ain’t that a fact!

 

Related Links: More Bad Poetry

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Multi-tasking Flunky

Confessions of a Multi-tasking Flunky

Carpe latte3Life moves at warp speed. Multi-tasking skills are required to keep up with everything! Writing-Blogging-Teaching, the hours dash by in a frantic blur.

I try to multi-task, but end up making more work for myself.  Frequent do-overs are required, which is sooo not efficient! I can’t be the only one who fails at effective multi-tasking, right?

Here’s a quick list of dumb stuff I do while thinking-plotting-talking- writing-blogging- texting- posting-tweeting-creating.

  • Applying hand lotion before walking out the door–oops! Can’t turn the doorknob!
  • Not checking to see if reading glasses are in my purse before leaving the house—nah, I didn’t need to read anything today.
  • Putting a meal in the oven only to forget about it while completing other tasks. “What’s burning?” Aw, damn!
  • Never remembering if I closed the garage door and looping the neighborhood to find out.
  • Forgetting to include the email attachment before hitting SEND.
  • Leaving the grocery list at home. (A photographic memory would come in handy.)
  • Neglecting to hit SEND on a text, then wondering why the recipient didn’t reply.
  • Forgetting to gas the car after work, which means filling it at 6 am.
  • Asking someone a question and not listening to the answer.
  • Looking for reading glasses—that are on my head.
  • Taking leftovers home, shoving them in the fridge, and never eating them.
  • Writing to-do lists and promptly misplacing them.
  • Putting a load of clothes in the wash and leaving it there for days.
  • Misplacing the cell phone. I wonder if there is Clapper app I could install?
  • Neglecting to transfer the important items when changing my purse–like my house key.
  • Never tightening the lid on the water bottle. This is the most expensive misstep of all because the technology goes for a refreshing dip and Apple gets more of my money.

Hubby and kiddos could probably add a few others—and they tried—but my snippy-sassy reply just sent them running!

Related Posts: Random Realities

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Job Skills vs. Personality traits

3-1-penWhile perusing the web the other day, I found a FOX news article that listed the 10 job skills every employer wants. The list was sort of a no-brainer. But the list got me to thinking…

The skills deemed important are not exclusive to employees. These personalty traits are equally valuable for healthy relationships, as well!  EVERY ONE wants their significant other to possess these excellent characteristics.

Here’s the Employer Wish List and my ( slightly slanted) comments:

1. Shows commitment
  • I think it’s called a vow or something; rings and weddings are involved.
2. Wears many hats
  • Our significant others must be willing to perform many different duties. Hubby can cook and do laundry.  Wife can  pay someone to mow the lawn and buy new clothes.
3. Goes the extra mile
  • We expect our loves to swim through shark-infested waters for us or, at least, make a Starbucks run.
4. Decision-makers
  • Nobody–repeat–nobody can deal with chronic fence sitters. Of course, the flip side, are the horrors of marrying a tyrannical dictator.
5. Have passion or a sense of purpose
  • Passion is good, and, in general, people are more interesting to talk to when when they have a passion about something. For example, I’m passionate about novels: Hubby is passionate about sports. So we both nod our heads encouragingly when the other speaks, but don’t really pay much attention. ( joking)
6. Organized
  • This skill comes in handy during tax time and makes life easier on everyone–unless your significant other has OCD tendencies.
7. Dependable
  • Do NOT mistake un-dependability with spontaneity. The two traits are vastly different! And do not mistake dependability with boring!
8. Possesses effective communication skills
  • Because slamming doors, foul language, and baleful looks are sooooo sexy.
9. Conscientiousness
  • A tricky trait. Niceties done by rote or habit are not near as endearing as a considerate gesture.
10. Positive attitude
  • Except when the positive attitude is a substitute for reality.

What trait do you think is missing?  I think it’s creativity!

We need creativity at work to be innovative problems and we need creativity in relationships to….ummm… this is a PG blog…be innovative problem solvers!

Related Posts :On-line job applications; Wanted: Food Fairy; Are schools killing creativity

Mom’s Smoke Signals

smokeConclave! Catholic Cardinals from around the globe are sequestered in a room until they decide on the next pope.  And how do they communicate their decision to the world? Everyone knows the answer! Black smoke means no pope chosen. White means “we have a pope.”

An effective method, yes? Antiquated, but efficient. Evident to everyone watching! Well, that got me to thinking…

Moms are responsible for many, many  decisions; our minds a tangle of stuff to worry and obsess over. What if moms used smoke signals to communicate to the outside world what was going on inside the house or inside their head? It might prevent a whole heap of trouble. Children would instantly know the mental state of mom. Hubby would understand what was in-store for him before he walked through the door.

Here’s my  list of smoke colors and their indications.

Black: Mom’s in a bad mood. Enter at your own risk. Do not–repeat–do not ask “What’s for dinner?”

White: Mom is feeling benevolent and at peace with the world. Maybe, she even baked cookies!

Blue: Mom is sad and needs a hug. A cup of tea might be nice, too.

Red: Enter at your own risk! Somebody did something or something happened to incur mom’s wrath.

Burgundy: Mom needs wine! Hubby should turn around and drive to store immediately! Chocolate makes a tasty accompaniment.

Pink: Mom feels pretty ( perhaps a visit to the salon or a new purchase is involved). Notice and compliment mom’s new hair/clothes/make-up.

Yellow: Like the biblical Judas Iscariot who is described as wearing a yellow cloak, someone is in deep doo-doo. If you suspect it might be you, confess immediately!

Brown: Dinner is burnt to a crispy crunch because mom was too busy writing her novel to notice the smell.

Green: Mom needs house or yard work done ASAP (lawn maintenance, rooms cleaned, trash out).  Be prepared for chores!

What if you don’t have a chimney or the chimney has never been used? No problem! Either send a text message or a picture of the color!

Smoke signals…good for mom…beneficial for the whole family!

Do you have any suggetions for colored smoke signals??

Related Posts: Sequestration at my house; Queen of T.P; Wanted: Food FairyImpatient Me: Life in the Fast Lane

 

 

First House

house 1Home Ownership!  It’s a BIG mill stone—um… I meant mile stone!

My eldest son has been looking for a house for the past few  month, and he really really really wants to buy.

Most of us remember the FIRST House. The pain  joy a memory never forgotten.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. That’s what sort of homes we traipsed through as young 20 somethings with know-it-all attitudes and decades of earning ahead of us.

I recall the day we pulled up to a lovely little (emphasis on little) home in a trendy college town.

“It’s perfect!” I cried to my then Hubby. I lept out of the car and eagerly pulled the flyer from its plexibox stand. “$475,000.00????? Where the  !@*^%! is the rest of the house?”

shackTrendy college town location got scratched off the list and our house quest took us further and further away from cultured humanity.

Here’s a few common first time buyer realizations:

  • It’s a BIG decision that can make you or break you .
  • Mom and Dad chew your ear off about everything that you didn’t want to hear. 1) Roofing issues, 2) structural problems, 3) maintenance costs, 4) school district boundaries,  5) water leaks, 6) grass, retaining walls, paint, tile, carpeting, termites, water spots, wiring blah, blah, blah…
  • Next is the million papers to sign, date, read, while trying to understand all of the real estate and legal hocus pocus gobbly gook.
  • The vetting process comes next. Submitting mountains of  paper work and financials and bank statements and more statements and more paperwork and …
  • Every step takes twice as long as it should
  • Every step requires a price to be paid
  • Then, if all goes to plan,you qualify and get the loan!
imagesThen reality smacks you across the face! All the stuff you took for granted at an apartment or mom and dad’s home is now YOUR RESPONSIBLY.
And:
  • every repair is twice as much as quoted
  • multiple trips to Home Depot are required for the easiest repair
  • you never have the right tool
  • “some assembly required” is somebody’s idea of a sick joke
  • the neighbors will always have greener grass
  • for every two trees/flowers/shrubs you buy, one will die
  • the little magic garbage disposal wrench always goes missing
  • the irrigation system will always break when you’re not home
  • important things like heat and water ALWAYS break on a Saturday

No wonder mom and dad never had any money! The cost for every hammer, nail, window covering, dishwasher,  washer, dryer, mop, bucket, broom, pan, screwdriver, wrench,drill sandpaper, duct tape, rake, hose, watering can, spade, shovel, light bulb, window rod, squeegee  extension cord, Spackle, filter, hook, wire, dowel, vacuum cleaner, dust buster, cleaning product,garden glove, garden clippers, lawnmower came out of their pay check!

It all adds up!

Hubby remembers when his bathroom light stopped working. He  didn’t  know he had to reset the GFI. In fact, he didn’t know where the circuit breaker was!

Ah! Good times! Home ownership is an adventure! And one goes through a huge learning curve with the First House purchase!

Related Posts: Christmas Breakdowns

Smokin’ Good Times

In the Impatient Me post, I mentioned that one of my children had set fire to the house. A reader wanted wanted to know if my statement was really true. Well…almost. And not on purpose, mind you.

Here’s what happened:

Many years ago, I told the oldest two kiddos to go downstairs and start breakfast while I changed the baby’s diaper. I’m talking about pouring milk over cereal. A ten year old can accomplish this task without supervision–one might think…

Well, the diapering took longer than expected and I probably began a load of laundry, tripped over a few plastic toys, and stepped on a Barbie shoe ( ouch!) by the time I walked into the kitchen.

The two oldest were munching on bagels and cream cheese. Nothing amiss.  I set the baby in the highchair and started the coffee pot. Child #3 climbed up on the chair and tried stealing his older brother’s bagel. The normal breakfast shenanigans. I put the kettle on and began packing lunches.

No sooner was one sandwich made when I noticed smoke coming from the stove top. I turned off the kettle, removed it from the burner. Smoke poured from under the stove top.

My first guess, old food had stuck on the bottom of the kettle. Nope. Kettle underside was clean. Meanwhile, the smoke increased! And my kiddos were sitting not 3 feet away.

Just so you know,  the gas burners are located on an island in the middle of the kitchen. There’s 2 drawers on either side and under the range top is pot storage.

I still was not overly concerned. Guess, I wasn’t fully awake… hadn’t had my coffee yet.

I checked the space underneath. No smoke. Where was it coming from? The smoke began pouring from the burners.

And that’s when I panicked.  The realization dawning! “It’s gonna blow!” I screamed, grabbing all the kiddos and pulling them out of the kitchen. I’m thinking, there must be a  gas leak in the stove top!  Once it ignites the whole island is going to EXPLODE!

Who knows how much time we had before the inferno erupts!

I bolted to the stairs, baby in one hand, toddler under my arm, and screamed to my husband. “FIRE!”

Of course, he came barreling down the steps and, sure enough, saw the smoke filling up the kitchen. After a 911 call we ran outside and waited for the red truck.

A few minutes later, a whole bunch of buff fireman raced into the house. The kiddos, meanwhile, were enjoying the early morning excitement.

Five tense minutes passed.

“It’s OK.” A handsome fireman waved us back inside. He held up a blackened potholder. “You really shouldn’t stuff a smoldering potholder into a drawer.”

A what? I didn’t use a potholder…wait a minute…

“Who used a potholder this morning?”  I asked both school age kiddos.

They both took a step back.

“Sammy made the bagels.” Big brother pointed to his sis.

My daughter suddenly looked very concerned, but said nothing.

“Did you use a potholder?” I asked trying to sound as sweet as possible.

Her head shook back and forth.

“I won’t be mad, I promise. Did you use a potholder? I promise I won’t yell.”

A blonde head bobbed once.

“Why?”

“The toast was hot, so I used the potholder, and then…”   And then the tears flow.

Frightened I would be angry because she burned a potholder, she stuffed it back into the drawer, where it began to smolder; eventually causing all that smoke.

Who knew a scorched potholder could be a fire hazard?

We laugh at the memory now.

Children…never a dull moment.

Related Posts: Experienced Mom lesson #1; Wanted:Food Fairy; Impatient Me

 

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Packing Black

imagesI‘ve got a BIG problem!

I’m not a good packer. I over-pack some items. Under pack or forget others.

A long weekend? One large suitcase and a duffle. Both stuffed! Not exactly a minimalist approach to packing.

It’s just that I can’t decide what I want to wear. What will I feel like days in advance? Clothes are an emotional decision…am I feeling fierce?  Melancholy? Do I wanna blend in or stand out? Am I having a skinny day or a fat day?

Some people pack light, I pack black.

Black is safe. The color doesn’t show spots. It’s versatile. Classy. Slimming. Also boring.

But black is also a no-brainer because I have so much of it!  Belts–skinny, wide, extra wide.  Jackets and sweaters of different shapes, weights, and styles. Trousers. Jeans. Leggings.Short tops, long tops.  And shoes! Shoes. Flat for walking. Heels for dinner. Uber trendy. Conservative.  Uggs for warmth. Open toed. Patent.

Hubby pokes fun at the pile of black shoes next to the suitcase. “We’re only going for 2 days, why do you need 4 pair of shoes?”

“Go away!” I throw a shoe at him. “Before I decide to put my blow dryer in your man bag!”

After a harrowing shoe selection, I decide on the extras. A bathing suit–you never know. Flip flops for walking to the pool. A cocktail dress. A semi-fancy dress.Sweats for an early trip to the lobby for coffee. Exercise clothes–nah.

I take a sweater or two–because it’s cold in hotels. Add a a short sleeved t-shirt, a long-sleeved t-short, a tank top–I want to be prepared.

“Just pack two outfits, that’s all you need.” Hubby, having ducked the shoe,  shakes his head and points to the growing pile of clothes.

“Oh, easy for you to say.You don’t care what  you look like.”

“I care! I’m just not obsessive!”

Mrs-Addams-_-morticia-addams-10949280-350-593After an hour of coordinating ensembles, accessories, unmentionables etc, I realize my suitcase looks like it was packed by Morticia Addams.

Packing my make-up is getting a bit easier. I just swipe my arm across the bathroom counter and drag it all into a giant tote bag.

And no matter how many lists I make, I always ALWAYS forget something critical. Like my toothbrush. Or hair brush. Or floss. Or mascara ( the horror).

Once I left all my beautifully coordinated outfits hanging on the bathroom door. Ol’ Hubby burst out laughing until I told him we had to go shopping for new duds.

If I pack for cold–the weather is uncharacteristically  warm. If I pack for heat, there’s a mysterious cold snap.
I’m the only one I knew who FROZE in the Ecuadorian rainforest!

I'm wearing 2 skirts and 4 tops in this pic

I’m wearing 2 skirts and 4 tops in this pic

“Weird weather, we’re having,” the bus driver commented as I shivered in two layers of thin cotton skirts. (Actually, that’s how Hubby translated the rapid-fire Spanish )

Maybe one day I’ll have a system comparable to all those famous jet setters. Or I’ll learn packing tips from InStyle magazine articles when they do a spread for a “weekend in wine country.”

Perhaps when I’m a famous novelist and zipping around the country signing copies of my latest bestseller I’ll HAVE IT DOWN! Packer extraordinaire! Yup..

Related Posts: The Perfect School Bag; Denim Distress; Closet Craziness; Girlie to-do list part 1; Girlie to-do list part 2; Impatient Me!

Click  Amazon link for novels.

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Experienced Mom lesson #1

Children!
Baby. Toddler. Pre-schooler. Elementary  Pre-teen. Teen. Adult. Older Adult.
Ah, those were the days! Mom-solvable problems.

Ah, those were the days! Mom-solvable problems.

It doesn’t matter their age, each stage comes with its own set of unique problems, frustrations, and joys.

Last week during lunch break, a fellow teacher asked, “When does raising kids get easier?”

I had a choice. Lie. Or set her straight. A lie would make her feel better. The cold hard truth would be most upsetting.

I felt like a little drama that day.

“It doesn’t! It gets worse!” I had a big smile plastered on my face–part sympathy, part pity, part smug know-it-all.

“Worse? How can that be? I’ve been up all night with a sick kid, changing diapers, and cleaning vomit from the bedding and carpet!”

My grandfather used to say this: Little children, little problems. Big children, big problems.

I & AI didn’t know what he meant back then, but I do now. First hand experience! It’s a doozy!

(And when I call my mom to b**** about something, I remember that her kid problems haven’t ended either. My pain is her pain.)

Mom has her own saying: A mother is only as happy as her most miserable child.

Depressing, isn’t it?  But I didn’t go into that during our lunch hour– I mean, the woman had to teach for three more hours–so I couldn’t totally crush her spirit.

So instead, I gave her Experienced Mom lesson #1.

“It gets more difficult. The problems  and worries and aggravations change. There will be be boo-boos you can’t kiss to make feel better.Homework you aren’t able to help them with. Friends who are unknown to you. Failures you must let them experience on their own.

And sleeping through the night? Talk to any parent of a teenager and ask them how well they sleep knowing their teenager is driving a metallic death machine. Teen problems are extra angst-filled because there’s precious little a parent can do to change their child’s behavior. Time Outs don’t work. Teens like them! Cuz they don’t like us much anyway during those years. (And that’s putting it mildly.)

  • Teens are Masters of Hyperbole: “Everyone is going to the dance.” “The teacher hates me.” “I’ll die without my phone.”
  • Experts at Subterfuge. Classy to trashy attire switcheroos at a friend’s house. Secret trips to get a belly button piercing.
  • Excellent Liars: “I don’t have any homework.” “I was only holding the joint for a friend.” “Sex? No way.” “I swear I turned the essay in.” “Yes, I am enrolled full-time.” “They haven’t posted the grades yet.”
  • Specialists at Passive/Aggressive behavior: For example, there is no way a parent can make a child do homework or pay attention in class.

samYou don’t stop being a parent when your child is an adult either. There are still late night  interruptions and last minute surprises. Plans cut short because some kid needs you NOW.

No, rearing children doesn’t get any easier. Sorry.”

“But…but… something…something must get better…Something?”  my friend asked, horrified by my words.

“The frustrations get worse. But the joys become greater. That’s the good part.”

There’s a reason why parents cry at their children’s graduation, wedding, or birth of the first grandchild. There’s a lifetime of memories attached to those tears.

Bad. Sad. Good. Happy.

“I wouldn’t trade all those memories for anything!”

 

Salt Lake Ghost Story 2

To recap from yesterday:

My brother’s rental house was the  location of horrific crime. The murdered woman’s spirit still inhabited the home!

Later that day, after I left spook central, mom contacted a friend who had her new house “de-ghosted.”   Although not a religious person, the friend is very spiritual, and felt an unhealthy energy in one of the rooms. She hired a medium, who smudged the house to clear the negative energy.

My brother refused to pay $$$ for a medium to blow smoke around his house.

sageBooknerd and do-it-yourself-er that I am, I figured we could clear the spiritual air ourselves ( a great family activity!)  The next day mom and I set off to a New Age store ( surprisingly, there are quite a few in SLC). We bought The Ultimate Guide to Sage & Smudge.  I read the book cover to cover that night.

Spiritual cleansing by smudging has been done for thousands of years. The Catholic, Greek Orthodox, a few Protestant,and  Buddhist religions , as well as many Indigenous tribes use the ritual of smudge/smoke to cleanse and purify a space or a person.

Depending on the purpose, there are many smudge worthy herbs. Sage, sweet grass, tobacco, juniper, lavender, mugwort, and  rosemary are some examples.

According to the book, several like-minded friends, and a few internet sites,  we decided to smudge the house with sage. So, it was back to the store for sage bundles.

A few hours before sundown, we returned to my brother’s house ready to smudge. My mom, a frequent visitor, claimed she never felt anything strange in the house.

“Is she here?” she asked. “How come my children can sense a ghost, but I can’t?”

Already apprehensive and nervous, I walked around the house, feeling nothing amiss– nothing creepy–until I entered the kitchen. Frigid air engulfed me. I experienced that same pins and needles feeling from the other day.

“She’s right here. Come here and feel for yourself.” I waved mom over, moving out of the ghost space.
Mom took a step into the pocket of Cold Creepy.”Oh my God! I feel it!”
“She watches me while I cook,”  my brother said.
Looks like a giant doobie.

Looks like a giant doobie.

We lit the sage bundle,then blew it out, allowing the sage to smoke.

Newbie smudgers that we were, we went by the book.Picture this:

  • brother is leading the way with a lighted candle.
  • mom is holding a bundle of smoking sage
  • sis (me) wafts the smoke into the general direction with a white towel

 

(It was like a scene from a bad reality TV show: Ghost Smudgers! )

I was petrified, my imagination on overdrive ( guess that’s why I write fiction).  Visions of ghastly ghouls and chilling apparitions filled my head! The library scene from Ghostbusters  kept running through my mind.

The three of us went to every corner; the whole time I’m speaking to the ghost and wafting the smoke into every nook and cranny.  I let granny ghost know that her killer was in jail for life, and that my brother would take good care of her home. I read her the newspaper article about the murderer’s conviction and we left the computer print out on the dining room table. We brought a Bible and I told her it was time to join her loved ones on the other side.

It took us over an hour to smudge the whole house. Basement and all.

The temperature of the house increased about 10 degrees.

My brother’s house smelled liked burnt sage. We smelled like burnt sage.
Sage smells EXACTLY like marijuana!

I can’t imagine what the neighbors thought! And I was really worried that if we got stopped by the police, the officer would not believe our story. (Well officer, we were cleansing the house of ghosts.)

The final result: My brother had to smudge the house two more times before he felt ghost granny had fully left the premises. We learned later that this is common with spirits. A few weeks later, my brother just happened to meet the murdered woman’s niece! Weird, huh?  He told her about the haunting ( she had no idea) and learned that she had been a wonderful, sweet lady.

A few months later, my brother saw the ghost! An apparition was standing in the kitchen! Was she still lingering in the house? Or was it someone else?

We’ll never know because he moved out a few months later.

The library scene from Ghostbusters!

 

Wanted: Food Fairy

No joke! My daughter sent this text early in the  morning--she had no idea what today's post is about!

No joke! My daughter sent this text early in the morning–she had no idea what today’s post is about!

“Send somebody else to the grocery store!” my daughter suggests after I complain about my almost daily trips to the market–for food I don’t eat.

Seems every one in the house has 1) a car and 2) an appetite, 3) two hands, 4) 2 feet, 5) a brain, but everyone  expects  the fridge and pantry to magically fill itself–as if there’s some kind of Food Fairy.

I‘ve tried sending kiddos and Hubby to the grocery store–even gave them my pack of super saver cards and the magic plastic money card, but it never works out well.

I guess after all these years, I’m just tired of figuring out what everybody wants to eat. Oh, the basics are easy. Cheddar goldfish for daughter, cans of chili for son, but those won’t actually feed a family for a week.

Seems there’s several types of grocery items:
1.specific ingredients for meals
2. snacks
3. non food items

Once in a while, I tell kiddos and Hubby to “get food.”  I know, I know…vague.  I don’t even give them a list I just say, “figure it out.”  I mean  it’s not like they have to go into the forest to forage for berries or hunt for meat, so I don’t understand the groans.

“But what should I get?”  they ask, befuddled by my request.

I mean, they’ve only eaten like….everyday of their life!  “I don’t know.You decide.”  This grocery shopping will require higher level  thinking on their part, something they only do at work or school.

“Mom’s in one of her moods,” they mumble under their breath as they trudge out of the house.

  • Hubby’s haul:  meat, meat, meat, lettuce,and more meat
  • Daughter’s finds: make-up remover, mascara, Cheddar goldfish, candy, pretzels, face wash, ice cream, soy milk, Nutella
  • Son’s spoils: chocolate donuts, hot pockets, chips, cans of chili, frozen taquitos, razors
  • Grandmom’s loot (when she visits): triple cream brie, smoked salmon, capers, olives, vodka, diet club soda, gourmet crackers, wine ( actually she’s great at getting  the ingredients for an entire meal)

Several food groups are missing. Vegetables being the biggie.

Maybe they need more practice.

I might post this ad on Craig’s List, because you can get ANYTHING on that website.

WANTED: Food Fairy for hungry, snack-happy, unpredictable, impulsive, capricious  family who has many dietary needs.

 Food Fairy duties:
  • predicts what everyone will crave for the next 5 days
  • knows what food I’m running low on and which vegetables are rotting in the veggie bin
  • anticipates what I will have time or motivation to prepare
  • puts all the groceries away where they belong
  • throws out unidentifiable leftovers and wilted veggies

I can dream can’t I?

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Impatient Me ! Life in the Fast Lane

My family agrees!

My students as well. I can be a bit impatient. My students are used to me saying “let’s go, let’s go” as they shuffle paperwork forward or as I shoo them to their next class.

My family knows I absolutely, positively hate waiting in a line. I fidget, my brow furrows, my teeth clench. A fast moving line I can deal with. A slow-line, a what-the-heck-is-taking-so-long-with-that-order line sets me on edge. I wasn’t always this way. I used to be a patient person.

I blame my children. A mom of 4 children has a lot to get accomplished every day. Piles of laundry, diapers, dishes, grocery shopping, driving here and there for this and that.  I learned to do everything FAST!  Life demanded it!

My children’s pleas still echo in my ear: Hurry up! I’m gonna be late to (fill in event).

I had to throw groceries into the cart FAST before one of them 1) had to pee, 2) threw a tantrum, 3) knocked something from the shelf, 4) got cranky.

I learned to make dinner FAST before 1) I had to drive someone somewhere, 2) I needed to pick someone up, 3) someone got cranky, 4)  the baby woke up, 5) the baby had to be fed again.

Speed was important because with 4 children–you never knew what the next minute would bring. One minute everything would be great–the next, a child  might 1) fall and bust open their head, 2) stuff a snail into their mouth, 3) learn how to unlock the front door, 4) escape from the car seat, 5) start a fire in the kitchen,  7) escape from your grip to run across the parking lot…well, you get the picture.

Speed has served me well in a few areas of life. Not all–that’s where the no patience thing started. You might call it impatience, but I call it efficiency.

True story: An ex-husband used to tell me to “Hurry up and relax.”  Huh?

So when I found this video of John Pinette’s “Get out of the Line”  comedy routine, it became a favorite.
I was so glad to learn I was not the only one who has difficulty with people who get to the front of the line and then take forever to order or ask dumb questions about the menu!

 

Related Posts: Sequestration at my houseQueen of T.PWanted: Food Fairy; Moms Smoke signals; Pantry Pandemonium

Teen Slang 3

Are you flossin’ to your friends about your knowledge of slang!

Final 20 words! I saved the easiest ones for last! (Although I included a few obscure terms  just to “keep it real.”)

1. steelo
2. bomb
3. crib
4. ghetto
5. yo
6.keep it real
7. play
8. all that
9. player
10.kill it
11. grip
12. hot
13. holla
14. cold
15. what’s up
16. off the hook
17. beef
18. peace
19. ice
20. floss

 

Definitions below!

1. steelo: noun: 1. style   2: confidence
2. bomb: ( often followed after da)  adj: 1. excellent  2. popular
3. crib: noun: house, abode
4. ghetto: adj: cheap, imitation
5. Yo: interjection denoting surprise, recognition. hey (In Shakespearean times is was ho— only one letter change)
6. keep it real: verb: to tell the truth, to be authentic
7. play: verb: 1. to deceive, mislead, lie to  2. noun: sex
8.  all that: adj; arrogant, pompous, egotistic
9. player: noun: one who is sexually assertive with multiple sexual partners, one who is skilled with flirting or manipulating others
10. kill it: verb: to do a great job/task, to perform well
11. grip: noun: a large amount,
12. hot: adj: attractive,trendy
13. holla: verb: to call out 2. noun; a greeting
14. cold:  adj: cruel, unkind,
15. What’s up ( pronounced wazzup or wad up) interjection: greeting
16. off the hook: adj, very fun/enjoyable,
17. beef: noun: problem, negative reaction
18. peace or peace out: interjection: good bye
19. ice: noun: jewelry, diamonds,
20. floss: verb:1.  to brag, to show off. 2. to pretend

Are you keeping hip with the times or are you no longer in the teen lingo loop?

OK folks, that’s all for the slang words! Hope you had fun!

Related Links: Teen Talk; Teen Slang #2
Click  Amazon link for novels.

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Teen Slang 2

Don’t be a tool!

OK hipsters! I have 20 more words for you! Let’s see if you know the definition of these slang terms.

1. tool
2.down
3. trip
4. beat
5. chill
6. wack
7. tight
8. bunk
9. dis
10. bling
11. game
12. props
13. step off
14. front
15. played
16. lit
16. janky
18. dope
19. Hoopty
20. hater

Here are the definitions.

1. tool: noun: fool, person with no self-esteem
2. down: adj: to be in agreement
3. trip: verb: to panic, worry
4. beat: adj: being old -fashioned, not trendy, boring
5. chill: verb; to relax,to clam down
6. wack; adj: crazy, inappropriate, weird, stupid
7. tight: adj: cool, excellent, begin emotionally close to a person(s)
8. bunk: adj: no true, unacceptable, disagreeable, false
9. dis: verb: short for disrespect, criticize,
10. bling: noun: jewelry, shiny, sparkly
11. game: noun: having charisma, people skills, sex appeal
12. props: noun: to give credit, to praise,
13. step off: verb:to leave alone, to retreat
14. front: verb; to pretend to be something your not
15. played: verb: over used, tired
16. lit: noun: to get drunk, high OR to get angry
17. janky: adj:nasty, tacky, worthless
18. hoopty: noun: old, dilpatidated  car
19. dope: adj: awesome, great
20: hater: noun: a person who is jealous of another

How many did you get correct?
Think you can
 you use the words in a sentence? Leave a comment using the terms!

20 more words tomorrow!

Related Links: Teen Slang; Teen Talk 3#
Click  Amazon link for novels.

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Teen Talk

“Yo dawg, how mad cool are you?” (translation: hey good friend, how crazy cool are you?)

Sometimes when teenagers speak it sounds like a foreign language. It is! But I think this generation has created a whole lot more vocabulary than back “in the day.” If you remember “boss” or “narley” (spelling?) then you’re OLD dude.

Test your coolness. Can you define the following words?

1. po-po
2.dawg
3. mad
4. roll
5. hella
6. sick
7. aiight
8. cheddar
9. dime out
10. biter
11. mack
12. jack
13. straight
14. word
15. bounce

How did you do?

Here are the answers:

1. po-po: noun: police
2.  dawg: noun: 1.male friend ( not to be confused with dawging) 2.unattractive person either morally or phsyically)
3. mad: adj: many, astonishing, prodigious, a lot of, many
4. roll:verb:  to leave ( especially in a vehicle), to go, how you handle something
5. hella: adverb: to a high degree, exceedingly, very
6. sick: adj: great, of high quality, talented, exceptional
7. aiight: adj: acceptable, agreeable
8. cheddar: noun: money
9. dime out: verb: to inform on, tell on, expose, to rat out
10 .biter: noun: a plagarizer, or unoriginal person, copy cat
11. mack: 1. verb: to kiss, to flirt;   2,  noun: male who gets lots of sexual attention
12. jack: verb: to steal: noun: nothing
13. straight: adj, all right, fine, honest
14. word: noun; a response, endorsement, or greeting
15: bounce: verb: to leave, to go away

I’ll post 15 more words tomorrow!

WARNING: Do not attempt to use these words in a serious conversation with teens. But by all means, use words to add humor.

Examples:
“I’m grounding you for coming home late, cuz that’s how mom rolls.”
“Yo honey, mom’s gotta bounce.”
Related Links: Teen Slang #2; Teen Slang #3
Click  Amazon link for novels.

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