Virtues are good, right? Not when they’re done this way!
Note: I went for satire but wasn’t able to pull off the snark and shaming intent.
Justice: Play fair! If another writer RTs spam on twitter, so should you! If someone makes a caustic remark, fling one back yourself. Justice is sooo cathartic. Did a troll leave a bad review? Respond with venom.
Prudence: Wisdom is important. Make sure to tell everyone on social media how smart you are. Tell them a few times, in case it didn’t penetrate their thick skull. Correct folks whenever you can. Make quick judgment calls and never apologize for being wrong—because you never are. Argue with a friend who points out a plot flaw. They’re just jealous of your brilliance.
Temperance: Self-control and moderation is critical when researching for your novel. Facts? Forget ‘em—it’s called fiction for a reason. Restrain from editing your novel masterpiece. It’s brilliant! Why remove a single adverb, adjective, or repetitive phrase? It’s your style!
Fortitude: Courage is required when accosting an agent in the bathroom at the writer’s conference, and it takes endurance to stalk them all weekend. Confront your fear and send out that first draft query. Do not be intimidated by a this-is-not-what-we’re-looking-for rejection letter by bad-mouthing them on twitter.
Now that you know how to live a virtuous writing life, be sure to name drop Plato, Aristotle, Saint Ambrose, and Saint Augustine. Righteous intellectuals! Just like you!
See you in writer heaven!