Tag Archives: weightloss

Diet Diatribe

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Eat This, Not That!
Work it out! Lose the fat!
Cabbage for seven days
Slimfast shakes were once the craze
eat for your blood type, eat until you’re full
all these diets are just a load of bull!

 

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Skinny girl diet, nibble and pick
what women won’t do to resemble a stick!
B-shots and books and advice and pills,
aren’t we tired yet of the diet mill?
Thighmaster, treadmills, body vibration machine
just so we can fit into some skinny a** jeans!
Calorie counting, sugar-be-gone
sweetening substitutes are also proved wrong.

 

Veggies and fruit and nuts and legumes
pasta and protein, I think we’re all doomed!
Just imagine, if you will, a day where we might
eat ANYTHING, ANYTHING and it would be alright!
What if I ate exactly what I craved?
would I soon become diet depraved?

 

Most  paintings of normal-shaped women are nude!

Most paintings of normal-shaped women are nude!

French fries and cheesepuffs and burgers galore
milkshakes, mac ‘n cheese, fried chicken and more!
How fast would those pounds materialize?
Would I blimp up before my very eyes?
Not worth the risk
cuz it’s too hard to fix.
So I’ll keep on trying
with my everlasting dieting.

 

Related Posts: Treadmill Lament; Calorie Count on Menus; Ice Cream verse;

 

Treadmill Lament

Requires agility just to get to

Requires agility just to get to

There you stand in my crowded garage
Between plastic bins and file cabinet lodged.
Chrome and rubber and plastic
whispering promises of a body fantastic.

 

“Walk! Run ! Jog!” I hear you call from afar.
“You spend too much time sitting in the car.”
So I pull on a t-shirt, the Nikes I lace
Step on the rubber mat, gonna make my heart race.

 

To pass the time, I watch Bones on Netflix
My inspiration some skinny young chicks.
I adjust the speed, faster, and faster I go
Getting into the rhythm of the treadmill flow.

 

 Look at me!
I’m trying to burn today’s calories.
But the meter reads only one hundred and three!
Heart pumpin’, calves burning, startin’ to sweat
Probably haven’t even  burned off my latte I bet.

 

Time is passing sloooooow
and I’ve got no where to go.
Faster. Slower. Flat or incline
Minutes passed–only nine!
Don’t watch the clock!                                         securedownload
Pretend you’re a jock!
Forty minutes later, the torture is complete.
My legs hurt, got blisters on my feet.

 

I’ll see you tomorrow, I promise the treadmill
And, you know, I probably will.
Not.
But maybe the next day, or the day after that
Cause I really do have to lose some of this fat.

 

I write this bad poem in fun and in jest
 But I actually do my very best.
 Just wish there was an easier way to stay svelte
then to walk-run-jog on a big rubber belt.

 

Calorie Counts on Menus

securedownload (2)Love ’em or Hate ’em? Those ever so helpfully posted Calorie Counts on the menu?

Eating out used to be a culinary joy! A gastronomic guess. Flavor triumphed over calories! NO LONGER! Now dining out has become a math equation—and worst of all—a math word problem.

If I eat 540 calories of this chicken-brown rice-veggie plate (boring)  PLUS a  90-calorie glass of red wine, can I put cream in my coffee tomorrow? Will I feel good about myself when I leave the restaurant? Will I feel cheated or deprived! Or still hungry?

If I eat 2000 calories of this dreamy, yummy, salt laden veal piccata, am I reduced to nuts and twigs for the duration of the week? How many hours on the treadmill will offset the splurge?

 And, oh dear Lord, there’s the bread basket! (butter or pesto or oil/vinegar options vary by restaurant).  What shall I do????

I enjoyed being blissfully ignorant of the calorie count. I ate what—the horror—I wanted. Now—I eat what I should. Because I should be mindful of fat, sugar, salt, calories, yada yada.

Banish the burger! Shun the sugar! Flee the wheat! Bar the carbs! Decline that 2nd glass of wine! Spurn the salt. Eat this, Not that—I even bought the books!

My choices have been reduced to numbers. Not flavor. Not texture. Not whim. I may need to take a therapist with me the next time I eat out. I intend to find a nice indulgent slightly pudgy one!

I love knowing my calorie intake...I hate knowing I can’t eat 99.9% of what’s on the menu!

Related Posts: Diet Diatribe; Treadmill Lament;