Surviving my Purse

the inside of my purse

The ABYSS: A perfect name for my purse.

It doesn’t matter what I do, it remains a dark chasm, a Stygian ravine, a messy pit, a…well, you get the picture.

Receipts and extra lipsticks are organized one day and—BAM—the purse mysteriously reverts back to its original state of disorder.

I’m not a messy person. My classroom is neat—no small feat when one has 100’s of essays to grade. My home is tidy and organized. Everything has a place and, except for my phone which wanders off on its own, I can tell you exactly where all household stuff is located.

So, it’s not my organizational skills.There’s simply too much stuff in my purse!

But what’s a girl to toss? I need all this stuff.

Which ONE lipstick or lip gloss will fit all my makeup needs?

Which membership cards—I think they’e breeding—do I toss?

Currently weighing down my purse:

grocery receipts for the week
dry cleaning ticket that will disappear the day I need it
one tissue for wiping off a nail polish test-varnish in the Make-Me-Gorgeous store
2 flash drives that hold either my manuscripts or literary analysis PowerPoints
a car key that stays in a side pocket—love key-less ignition!
a house key that pulls a vanishing act every damn time I need it
a pencil that leaped into my purse in a desperate attempt to leave my classroom
a pen with a manic depressive disorder—providing no ink or ink blobs
reading glasses, smudged
sunglasses, smudged
fancy-schmancy business card holder ( a birthday present ) that doesn’t hold business cards but scatters them about my purse
four pennies ????
Starbucks green sticky-thingy. I believe that’s the official word
random business cards from people I don’t remember meeting
a hotel keycard from the last writer’s conference
checkbook for the off chance a business won’t take a debit card
floss. What can I say? My ex is a dentist—I like to be prepared for all stuff-in-your-teeth emergencies
makeup bag loaded with essentials I never use—one never knows when applying more concealer and blush might save the day!
wallet with 2 dollars—and that’s on a good day
an ancient model smart phone ( I’m waiting for the next fab Apple product)
small pad of paper for brilliant ideas that occur while speeding down the highway
crinkled grocery lists
mini canister of Altoids

Perhaps, I need another purse! YES! Another purse will solve all my problems!

Perfect purse requirements:

No black liner! No flap! No heavy metal!
Not too big—not too small (roomy enough for iPad is a plus)
Zipper closure
Outside pockets ( good for phone & keys)
Shoulder strap (hands-free shopping & phone-talking/texting/tweeting ability)
Opens wide (allowing light to enter chasm so you can actually SEE what’s inside instead of going by feel
Dirt/stain and coffee resistant
Costs less than one paycheck

I only want the perfect purse. Is that too much to ask?

You see, the PERFECT purse would never be disorganized. Because if the inside of my purse was perfectly neat—if I could find everything immediately—then I could pretend my life was also flawlessly organized!

Anyone want to go purse shopping with me?